Our blog is usually something about homeowning, home decorating, ideas for busy families but today, we're wandering off the beaten path.
Earlier this week, I celebrated a milestone. Two years ago, on February 17, 2010, I broke free from an abusive marriage. As most people do, I had always thought of women who stayed as weak and needy.
How can a woman wake up every morning and take that? Why doesn't she leave? Doesn't she love her children, or herself, enough to get out? I can tell you now, it's not that simple. Women stay because there is a real danger in leaving. Sometimes the danger of leaving is more terrifying than the reality she lives with everyday. Most women who die at the hands of their spouse are trying to leave.
SC is eighth in the nation statistically for domestic violence related homicides. After dealing with some of the legal web, I now know why. SC legistlators who had anything to do with the laws on the books should be charged as conspirators. Don't assume that because someone is walking around free that they are innocent. This place is a mess.
You can do a thorough background check as a civilian for $50. Don't overlook warning signs or expect that just because he's a smooth talker you're safe. We had many of these warning signs in front of us and it never occurred to me there would be a problem.
WARNING SIGNS
Many of the signs women are taught to Interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse. Some examples Include:
INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc.
ISOLATION: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.
POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY: Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up.
NEED FOR CONTROL: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.
UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc.
MORE WARNING SIGNS
1. Was or is abused by a parent.
2. Grew up in a home where an adult was abused by another adult.
3. Gets very serious with boyfriends/girlfriends very quickly – saying “I love you” very early in the relationship, wanting to move in together or get engaged after only a few months, or pressuring partner for a serious commitment.
4. Comes on very strong, is extremely charming and an overly smooth talker.
5. Is extremely jealous.
6. Isolates partner from support systems – wants partner all to themselves, and tries to keep partner from friends, family or outside activities.
7. Attempts to control what partner wears, what she/he does or who she/he sees.
8. Is abusive toward other people, especially mother or sisters if he is a male.
9. Blames others for one’s own misbehavior or failures.
10. Has unrealistic expectations, like expecting partner to meet all of ones needs and be the perfect partner.
11. Is overly sensitive – acts ‘hurt’ when not getting one’s way, takes offense when others disagree with an opinion, gets very upset at small inconveniences that are just a normal part of life.
12. Has ever been cruel to animals.
13. Has ever abused children.
14. Has ever hit a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past.
15. Has ever threatened violence, even if it wasn’t a serious threat.
16. Calls partner names, puts him/her down or curses at him/her.
17. Is extremely moody, and switches quickly from being very nice to exploding in anger.
18. If a male, believes women are inferior to men and should obey them.
19. Is intimidating, for example using threatening body language, punching walls or breaking objects.
20. Holds partner against his/her will to keep him/her from walking away or leaving the room.
21. Stories about past relationships don't reconcile with the way he/she REALLY deals with conflict.
22. His/her idea of discipline is ALL physical and overboard. The thought of it brings a smile to their face....
23. Anybody they've ever dated/married has "done them wrong", with no provocation.
24. Constant "white lies" are a clue to dishonesty in bigger issues. Honesty = safety
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship or you suspect that someone is, be their way out. Ask questions and offer an escape route. You'll never get yesterday back, but you can reclaim your today.
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